All Those "What If's"

I know I can’t doubt myself.  Well, okay, I can doubt myself, but I can’t really allow those thoughts to affect me.  It is crazy all the what if statement’s I can come up with right now.  One of the big ones is:

“What if I don’t like who I find”

What I mean by this is that I feel like I have lost myself over the past few years. I don’t really remember what my hobbies are, what I am like when I am happy, how to really feel at ease.  I have worked my entire life.  I honestly feel that way.  I started babysitting when I was probably 12, did that all the time until I was legally allowed to work.  Then I lifeguarded and taught swimming lessons.  I did that through grad school and added other full time jobs on top of that.  I was an office manager of a doctor’s office for 5 years.  This was while going to grad school full time.  I have never not worked…and worked A LOT.  I don’t know what it is like to have summer breaks, spring breaks, Christmas breaks, etc. My parents always made me work.  I remember having friends that either would take a month off or be able to have a job that only made them work ~20 hours a week.  Not me, I have always worked.

I don’t know what it is like to relax and take it easy and to put it simply: To have time.

I have never had time.

And now I do.  And I am trying to figure out who I am.  Who I am when I have time to be me.  What is it that makes me happy, what is it that I enjoy.  What are all these things when you have time to do more than the bare minimum.

Then my next fear is, what if the person I find is so unlike who I think I am?  I mean, yes, I would like to believe that I intrinsically know myself, but who knows.  What if Justin doesn’t like the person that I have had hiding under there all these years?  I just have no idea where all this will lead.

And what if it doesn’t work out as well as I am hoping and envisioning?  I did this to find happiness and passion and enjoyment in what I do with my time….what if I don’t find that?

To Smile.