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I definitely just feel depressed today. I feel down, blue, scared and kind of worthless all at once. It all started with the fact I had kept my lunch at work since Monday and went to eat it today and it definitely had gone bad. (My stomach was killing me Monday, so I didn’t eat it and I ended up working from home yesterday, so it had been in the fridge waiting for me.) Anyway, I felt too guilty to go downstairs and buy something so I just made do with what I had which meant an orange, yogurt and a stash of rice crackers.
Since I was already thinking about money, I decided I should take a look at the budget. I am one of those people who balances their budget/bank account daily. Yes, you heard me correctly, I check online daily to make sure my balance and everything matches up. I haven’t done this since last week. This is so unlike me but I think it is because I just don’t feel like facing money right now.
So I budgeted everything and looked at everything and it all looks good. If anything, we have saved money this month. Everything adds up and doesn’t look too bad at all. So why do I feel so guilty and scared? Why can’t I shake this feeling of guilt. It is bizarre because I definitely do not have any remorse with leaving this job but I feel terrible about spending money and knowing I may not be bringing anything in come 1 month from now. But I am searching, I am looking….come the holiday season I can always just work retail for the month to ensure I’m making some money. So why is this whole concept churning my stomach in knots?
I think a lot of the reason is that work is still awful. Obviously that fact hasn’t changed. I still have the pressures and stresses at work and I have absolutely zero desire to work with any of it. So I start thinking about the future. Half the time, I am thrilled. Half the time I feel so scared and guilty it is nearly debilitating. I think I would be handling this better if I could just jump off the cliff and get this whole thing going, instead I’m having to very slowly, and stressfully, wait until November 19th. It gives me so much time to think and worry.
Like I keep saying…it will be okay. it will be okay.
To Smile.
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Everything will be okay! I know it doesn’t look that way right now.
I can definitely relate with the money situation. I would be in a complete state of panic if I didn’t have an income. I can’t imagine. It’s just scary and I also hate having to rely on others.
I am very proud of you for getting out of a situation that was making your life miserable. That takes guts. You may not be doing it exactly like you would like…but at least you are doing it! Some people would stay in a miserable position forever and never do anything about it except complain. Give yourself a pat on the back for me!
Miss you!!!!
First of all, I LOVE the new blog. It’s so fresh and clean.
I’ve always worked, and always had my own money. Like you, I TRY to be smart and save as much as I can. But next year if I go to school, I’ll have to quit my job and take out a loan. While it’s absolutely terrifying, I know in the long run it is better for my mental health and happiness.
I know the same is in your case, too. Maybe once you finally don’t have to go into your job everyday, it will be easier for you. And just think…you have the time to find out what you REALLY want to do. If it’s something that doesn’t pay as much, I’m sure you will find a way to budget around that. And I think most people agree that happiness outweighs pay any day!
At least tomorrow is Thursday already. Just a few more weeks of pushing through at this job and you’ll be all done – plus, with the holidays coming soon after, you’ll probably be so busy that you won’t have as much time to second guess yourself, ya know? Hope tomorrow is better for you.
It truly will be ok. I’m sure it feels daunting and overwhelming right now but there is purpose in all things and you will be able to look back on these days and breathe a sigh of relief that you made it.
You made the right decision. Be confident in that and that you will be financially secure.